A Gripe against movie reviewers of Dabanng

I haven’t given up on Bollywood. And I wont. Good Hindi cinema exists and will continue to do so, box office, Censor Board and Imran Hashmi be damned.

Therefore, I do not begrudge the fact that movies like Dabanng exist. Knowing that this filmi fiasco is the second highest grossing Bollywood film of all time only makes me mildly ill.

What makes my warts really pop, however, is the way Indian movie critics have aggrandized this movie.

“Salman’s corrupt cop act as Chulbul Pandey, playing Robin Hood in a semi-rustic environment is so engaging, you are willing to forgive and forget everything else,” writes Nikhat Kazmi in TOI, giving the movie an enviable 4 out of 5 stars.

(To read her review in its entirety, click here: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/movie-reviews/hindi/Dabangg/moviereview/6524257.cms)

Why are our critics willing to “forgive and forget everything” ? I certainly wont. I do not forgive the lack of plot, I do not forgive the Zandu balm (I cringe when I picture that bum-hand action) song and I certainly wont call it all a Bollywood spoof or a kitsch just to smooth over the complete idiocy of the movie.

I don’t have to like Dimple tritely gasping for her last breath and then shuddering melodramatically to death, I don’t have to appreciate the crass comedy (or lack thereof) of Sonakshi Sinha’s drunk father, I don’t have to applaud when Salman’s shirt rips at the biceps (no doubt, reacting to his supremo machismo), but I do take offense at the movie getting a rating of 4.

What hope do good movies really have when our critics, supposedly the gatekeepers of intellectual prowess, stupidly sing praises of a movie that banks on the fact that its loudness, crassness and star power will justify productions costs?

When we have movies like The Pink Mirror, The Last Lear, The Blue Umberella, Das Vidaniya, and Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi that add value to Indian cinema, critical acclaim being awarded to a movie like Dabanng is an insult.

Does it deserve a rating of 4?

In fact, I was so perturbed by this movie and its reviews in good newspapers, that it was this that lead me to restart my blog! I waved my fists at the heavens and decided that I wasn’t going to let them get away with it.

I feel passionately about movies, and find myself defending Hindi movies to those who consider watching them an affront to their intelligence. My intelligence however, is affronted not when I watch Salman’s hips twitch, but when movie reviewers accede to the demand that such movies have merit simply because they are or can become popular.

Although hordes of people will (and do) disagree with me, I do not consider Dabanng entertaining. Those who don’t, here’s what I think: Dabanng is a crude production. It lacks in all aspects, be it cinematographic value, dialogue, story, mis-en-scene or music. If it is to be rated, it deserves but 1 star, and that too in deference to the poor soul who sat through it and watched the film for the review.

Now that I have gotten that off my soap box, my fervent prayer is this: Let us not judge movies by comparing them to their peers. Let our critics not review relatively. Let us give some credence to the merit of a movie based on factors other than mass popularity.

I shall endeavor to do so. Will you?

Getting jiggy with eggplant

Look, I know its got a lotta bad press, but the eggplant is kinda cool. You know you like it when it’s served all gourmet ishtyle as a pizza topping at a Mediterranean joint or as one of the grilled veggies married with red papper and extra virgin olive oil  in a foccacia sandwich. So what’s keeping you from enjoying this tasty veggie-fruit-berry?

Yes, that threw me off kilter too. I found out that the eggplant (also known as the aubergine, brinjal or guinea squash) is actually classified as a berry, no doubt by inept botanists who thought purple equals sweet. Alright, alright theyre classified as berries because they are a fleshy fruit made from a single ovary, but who cares about boring botanical explanations?

I found that just because the eggplant is rotund, squishy and squat, doesn’t mean it tastes bad. So shame on all of you who discriminate against it based on its looks.

A Peek at History

The eggplant is native to India (hoorah?) and has been used as a staple in Asian cooking. The Thai, for example, have been using small eggplant in their green curries for ages.

After being ignored by the West, eggplant was introduced to the Mediterranean peoples via Arabs, who embraced this fruit-veggie with open arms (and open kitchens).

Later, the eggplant made its presence known to Africa and North America, where its status is that akin to a Gujju in NY.

Like the common Gujju, the eggplant too comes in many shapes and sizes: there are rotund ones, oval ones, elongated ones and bulbous ones. They can be purple, green, white or even orange! So the next time you’re at the neighborhood sabzi mandi (or a gourmet grocery store), look carefully ’cause there may be more than one kind of aubergine on display!

For the sake of skin

Before I give you my recipe (which will make you a eggplant lavah!), here are healthy reasons why you should eat ‘em:

Eggplants are a good source of folic acid and pottassium.

Rare (and controversial) studies have proved that they are effective in treating cholesterol.

And the skin of the eggplant contains scientific-sounding stuff (anthocyanins to the food geek) that helps protect against heart disease and cancer.

And now for the…

Grilled Eggplant Recipe

I used the elongated variety, since that doesn’t pack much water and therefore needs no draining. (I also prefer them to the round eggplant, which reminds of a particularly vile witch’s nose. )

Ingredients

2 long eggplants sliced vertically into 3-4 thin slices

For the marinade:

Olive oil as base

Red chilli flakes

Oregano

Minced Coriander

Fresh Basil

Salt and pepper to taste

Grated ginger

Diced garlic

(You can also add lemon juice for zest)

Slightly char the eggplant and make sure that you brown it on both sides so that the skin is puckered.

Method:

Stir in the marinade in a flat bowl and drop in the eggplant slices. Once they are coated on both sides, put them in a tray (lined with olive oil) and grill them on 150 degrees C  for 15 minutes, turning twice.

Ta da!

Yes, this is laughably simple, but if you are implying rude and impolite things about my cooking ability, you are most possibly correct. Yet, this dish tastes sooo good, you’ll forget all about me and want to enjoy it by turning off both your laptop and your cell phone!

You can either eat grilled eggplant as a side dish with stir fried veggies or pasta or as a filled for a multigrain sandwich.

Enjoy.